Like many of you, I watched the first presidential debate with a hint of vomit in my throat. It was called everything from a circus to a dumpster fire, but the one thing it wasn’t called was presidential. I know presidential because I used to see it every day when Hills signed her emails to Chelsea Future President Hillary Clinton. Back in my day, we were considering a serious woman for top brass and Jake Tapper’s face didn’t look like somebody served him a shitshow for breakfast.
Admit it. You’re just a smidge nostalgic for the days when we focused on immaterial distractions like Hills using her Yahoo to ask Al Gore to lay low for a bit. Put down that printout of Trump’s tax returns and let momma give you a hug. It’s time to come back to Hillary’s emails.
I know. In 2016, you just wished I’d quietly go away. I thought about it, but then I thought ‘When will email ever be this important again?’ I had a responsibility to all the LinkedIn announcements and monthly newsletters to shine. So, I decided to see things through on behalf of email everywhere. Then, Trump gets elected and all the Republicans insisting I was the most important thing since Benghazi tossed me aside like a Chris Christie endorsement.
Hear me out, America. You could plod forward listening to fear-mongering on election fraud, but wouldn’t you rather focus on that cute little reminder email Hills received from Hallmark about Michelle’s birthday? Political chit chat at the water cooler was more genteel back then. The NYT’s ran as many cover stories about me as they did policy issues in the two months leading up to the 2016 election, and no one got called a clown.
We can make politics decent again. Think of it this way — Ukrainian blackmail or Hillary’s Gmail? You don’t need any more stress in your life. Why not pour yourself a drink and put on some Coldplay while I make a minor scandal look major?
See? You already feel better. You just rest your weary brain and let me do my thing. I got this, America.
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