Santa’s First Wife Fenna Releases Scathing New Tell-All
Santa was Nick the Stick and he wore all black.
You think you know Santa, but you don’t. You love the big man in the red suit who adores children, but before that he was a skinny, unemployed musician playing Hide-the-Elf with every woman in our village, and I loved him.
He wasn’t Santa or even Nicholas back in the day. He was Nick the Stick, a minstrel traveling around the countryside with his angsty Visigoth band, the Slay Tribe. I thought he was sexy despite the eyeliner. He wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing red back then. He was Nick the fucking Stick and he wore all black.
Things were grand at first. We got married and settled into a little village. One day over breakfast he said to me, “Fenna, baby, I’m starting over. Nicky needs to find out who Nicky really is.” In hindsight, I should have known you don’t stay married to a man who talks about himself in the third person.
Nicky styled himself as a New Age guru. At first, I had my doubts. I mean, Nicky was kind of a mess, but I was supportive. A lotta good that did me! I began to get suspicious when all his clients were women. Young women with boobs for days. And his solution for these troubled, young women? Oodles of one-on-one consultation. He didn’t invent Christmas. He invented…
