Six Weeks in Quarantine and All I Did Was Rewrite Movie Quotes

Revision is 2020

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Photo by Jens Kreuter on Unsplash

1. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. Skills like this, whoops I touched your face. There! I touched it again. Ooops, one more time. Ha, and again with the face touch! Taken

2. I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence. And I’m gonna take a painting class and do that cross-country trip. Maybe join an improv group. I’m really gonna start living once everything reopens. National Treasure

3. You had my curiosity. But now you have my attention, Sweden. How goes the herd? Django Unchained

4. You’re gonna need a bigger boat. At least, I dunno, there are 3 of us so 3x6=18. So, yeah, you’re gonna need a boat at least 18' bigger. Jaws

5. If anyone orders merlot, I’m leaving. I am not drinking any fucking merlot! Also, if anyone orders the spicy curry, I’m leaving. I’m not being quarantined with you people after that. Sideways

6. Now you’re in the sunken place. That valley in the sofa where you’ve been sitting for the past month, Jim? Yeah, that’s the sunken place. Get Out

7. I’ll have what she’s having. White privilege? Yes, I’ll have some of that. When Harry Met Sally

8. Boy, that escalated quickly. Bats. Who knew? Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

9. Lions, and tigers, and bears, and fires, and pandemics, and protests, and riots. Fuck me. The Wizard of Oz

10. This is Sparta! That is Florida. Sparta is on lockdown for three weeks. Florida has 2-for-1 well drinks, all you can eat buffets, and a 24-hour kissing booth. 300

11. I drink your milkshake, I lick your cupcakes, and I double-dip into your guacamole, yet still you insist on doing this in person? There Will be Blood

12. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. So, honey, why don’t we put down the gun and do some burpees, okay schmoopie? Legally Blond

13. I volunteer as tribute. I’d volunteer for whatever you want as long as it gets me the hell out of this house. Hunger Games

14. A martini. Shaken, not stirred. Breakfast sorted. Goldfinger

15. You shall not pass until you’ve walked through the corridor of sanitization. Lord of Rings — Fellowship of the Ring

16. I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. At least I did when I could still smell things. Apocalypse Now

17. My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. And sometimes you bite into one and you’re like ‘What was that?’ Then folks start dying and people get crazy so you close the box of chocolates and walk away. Forrest Gump

18. Are you not entertained? Because I still have seven more plagues I can smite thee with. Gladiator

19. You talking to me? No? What about you? You? Ok, which one of you masked knuckleheads is talking? Taxi Driver

20. I am gonna kill Bill, but instead of using an overly contrived plot device, I’ll just sneeze. Kill Bill vol. 2

21. Wilsoooooooon! Happy birthday, buddy! I’ll leave this bottle of wine on the doorstep. Caaaaaaaaaaaall me! Cast Away

22. A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A private island with your own food supply, satellite television, one of those premium Japanese bidets, and a walk-in closet of athleisure wear. That’s cool. The Social Network

23. What we have here is a failure to communicate. You see, you can’t say everyone matters until everyone actually matters. Cool Hand Luke

24. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. Every time a person coughs, dad shits his pants. It’s a Wonderful Life

25. Inconceivable! The Princess Bride and also The Trump Administration

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writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

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