Snarky Jesus Thanks You For Remembering His Birthday

Christmas birthdays are the worst.

Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday last week. It was nice to see some of you take a moment from your little Christmases to remember my special day. I’m well aware how busy you people get over the holidays.

We had a small shindig at my place. In the morning we staged our annual nativity scene with Mom and Papa Joe. After centuries of my part being played by Middle Eastern Jewish boys, this year we branched out to be more inclusive. For 2020, I was played by a prokaryote from Jupiter’s moon Europa. I think it brought a subtle intensity to the role.

We also decided to diversify our three wise men by having three wise entities instead. We went with an emerging consciousness from Kepler-62f, a worm from Kepler-442b, and a redheaded caucasian girl named Jesper from Cincinnati. Of course, somebody objected to the word ‘wise,’ saying it suggested intellectual elitism. So, we called them guests and ditched the gold, frankincense, and myrrh for crafty homemade stuff that wasn’t as commercial, like hand-woven coasters and a steampunk medallion.

Oh, and somebody placed a penguin next to the manger, for, you know, global warming. It actually kinda worked next to the sheep.

I’m not really a cake guy, but mom insisted on baking something so I suggested a key lime pie. It was delicious and gave me a chance to show off my wine pairing skills. I turned a bucket of water into a few carafes of dry Muscat to highlight the pie’s citrus notes. After a few rounds, Matthew suggested I make margaritas. I’d never turned water into a cocktail before, but after a little trial and error, and a couple of birthday shots, I nailed it. Of course, Thomas said I should have used reposado instead of anejo tequila but by that point, I was like ‘Free booze, Tommy. Don’t be an ass.’

Speaking of asses, the angels decided it was an ugly sweater party without telling the rest of us. Good job, angels. Some of them showed up with sweaters decorated with snowflakes and one angel had a Star Wars sweater, but a couple of knuckleheads showed up with Santa sweaters. I didn’t want to be a wet blanket, but I had to send them home. You don’t show up to a Packers game wearing a Vikings jersey unless you’re trying to start something.

Having a Christmas birthday is not fun, especially when you’re Christ, but we had a good time and I think this endless margarita thing is a solid new birthday tradition. So, thanks to all of you who remembered, and for the rest of you, there’s going to be hell to pay.

LOL! Kidding! No one’s going to hell for forgetting my birthday. I’m just going to make you repeat 2020 from the start.

Ha! Got you again! Sorry, I’m still a little wonky after all that tequila. No hell and no 2020 repeats, I promise. At most, a tiny swarm of murder hornets and maybe another Spiderman reboot, but that’s it.

Happy New Year, everyone!

expat, ex-philosopher, ex-entrepreneur writing on society, relationships, & AI singularities. VICE, Salon, & misc humor sites @brianabbey

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