Vlad the Impaler Tries to Turn the Page with New Brand Strategy

A hip PR consultant’s got some big ideas.

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Image by SamWilliamsPhoto from Pixabay

Okay ladies and gentlemen, take your seats and let’s get started. My name is Alex and I’m Chief of Spin at Flayedman. That’s not my official title but it’s what I do. I crush it.

Now, as you know, our starboy here, Vlad, took some heat this year for some off the cuff decisions on the battlefield. Were they missteps? Doesn’t matter, really-the backlash has been less than stellar. But I’m here to spin all that noise into pure marketing gold.

My team has put together some primo options to relaunch the Vlad brand with more appeal to the youth that includes entry into multiple revenue channels like entertainment and travel.

Does everyone have something to drink? Yes? Good, let’s do this.

First parchment, Stefan.

“Vlad High Stakes.” The name says Vlad wants all the smoke. Look at the sick logo — three red stakes against a black background! It declares leadership but whispers I will stick you. Also red and black is the straight fire combo this year. It’s all about that Dragon Energy in 1476.

What do we think, folks? Solid start, right? Don’t fall in love yet, Vlad. That was our first kiss.

Next parchment, Stef.

“Vlad the Experience.” You don’t meet Vlad. You experience Vlad. Wait for it -the logo can’t be seen, only heard and it sounds like a screeching hawk. Fucking Lit!

Godwin here sketched some ideas for something he calls a “theme park” with hayrides, dagger throwing, and meats on a stick. People will be talking about The Experience in every hamlet and village for miles and you get the bank from all the sweet merch you will sell around the park : wooden swords, helmets for the kids, whatever.

I can see you’re intrigued. Let’s kick it up a notch.

Stefan.

“Vlad Stabulous.” An indigo blue stake on a magenta background. We take something with, let’s face it folks, a mixed reception, like impaling, and lean into it hard. We trademark a dance move, the Stabby, and hire a squad of androgenous wenches to take it into the circle dance scene. It’s a big Bye, Felicia to all the haters.

Schwifty AF! Am I right? All those smiles tell me I’m crushing it. That one’s a keeper.

Next parch, Stef.

“VLAD.” Socrates. Jesus. Hannibal. What did they have in common? Anyone? Mononymity. VLAD is iconic style in a world of Basic Beatrices. We also drop a signature fragrance — VLAD by Vlad.

What’s it smell like? Smells like money to me. Ah, now you get it! I see you, sir. He agrees.

Parch me, Stef.

“The Smexy Splinter.” Picture Vlad riding shirtless on a war stallion while reading a book. Smart. Sexy. We do an entire 1477 calendar — Vlad shirtlessly fighting Ottomans while reciting poetry, Vlad shirtlessly designing a catapult. New month — new Smexiness.

Some of you lovely people are squirming in your seats from all that Vlad BDE! Pass a chalice to that lady over there because she looks a little thirsty. I’m joking. What’s your name, sweetheart? Matilda? I’m only teasing you, Matilda.

Watch out for that one, Vlad.

I kid. You guys are great. Especially you, Matilda.

Next parchment, please, Stef.

“Vlad Fierce and Pierce” VFP: Minimalist. Black. White.

That’s it. Nothing extraneous. Uh-huh, he gets it! My man! We are absolutely CRUSHING it.

Hit it, Stef.

“Timberjam.” Timberjam is all things Vlad. Battles, sieges, impalings -everything branded Timberjam. We sign up-and-coming minstrels to the Timberjam label and roll TimberjamFest into the countryside. We absolutely slay the under-20s with three days of music, dancing, and meats on a stick. And as they’re leaving, all drunk and fat, they pass stalls of merch — TimberjamFest tunics, tankards, goblets, everything.

Count your cheese, boys. Start counting it right now and don’t stop because it won’t stop flowing.

Alright, lastly, this option is for the straight-up ballers in the house.

“sQr.” Pronounced “skewer.” Stupid fresh. We go high-end-designer coin pouches, scabbards, cloaks, and boots with the sQr logo. It’s an aspirational brand. Millicent worked up some taglines she thinks could go plague: “If I can’t wear sQr, I won’t wear anything at all.” Gritty, right?

And that’s it, ladies and gentlemen! I’ll leave you with it. Let it marinate. Soak up those juicy juices then come back to us with your decision.

Again, my name is Alexander the Hella Good and it has been a pleasure.

*Artwork by Benjamin Davis

Originally published at https://www.pointsincase.com.

Written by

writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

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